Hello, it’s me again.
It’s obviously been a while since my last blog entry. I’m going to be 100% honest too. The time in between that last post and the one I’m writing now has been difficult. I’m not always an open book on my blog or on social media. Only my close friends and family know how hard this year has been on me, but this is my safe-space and I feel like getting some things off of my chest.
The best part of 2019 was finally becoming an Avila and seeing our loved ones gather for our wedding back in April. It was truly magical and I loved every minute of that day. I planned on writing a detailed blog post of how the ceremony and reception went, but every time I tried to start it off I felt like Spongebob attempting to write an essay. I couldn’t glamorize my words and I felt uneasy. It was like my brain was put on pause.
Deep breath – It’s because of my family. My parents separated about 2 years ago. It was messy… My dad took off to a different town and took my little brother with him. I haven’t seen or really spoken to them since then and it hurts my heart every day. My dad was/is very toxic and I know I shouldn’t reach out to him to keep myself healthy. But I miss my brother and as the oldest child I feel like a terrible sister. My mom is moving on and starting a new life. We’re still close but at times, it’s a weird new thing to accept. (My mom is also the only one who was a part of my wedding day.) I’m also not close to my other brother (the middle child) for personal reasons. We’re working on our relationship, but that is also tough. I often feel very alone, guilty, and confused. The only home I knew for the first 20 years of my life is completely shattered and broken.
Everyone I’ve opened up to advises me to focus on my OWN family – Aaron and the twins. And I have taken that advice and most days are great. But when I put the twins to bed and Aaron’s at work, my mind races. I have trouble sleeping and all I can think about are flashbacks of my not-so-great childhood. Sometimes it’s hard to get ready in the morning and go to work with a fake smile. And the twins see me cry more than I want them to.
I place this constant pressure on myself to be the best mom, a great wife, a dependable daughter, a successful woman, a reliable friend, and a healthy human being. But I don’t feel 100% and I’m scared to let it show. Sometimes I’ll avoid certain friends because I don’t want them to know I’m struggling staying happy or because I don’t feel accomplished enough. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
I made this blog about 7 years ago with the intention to keep it strictly fashion & style. But there’s so much more behind my Target dresses and MAC lipstick. I will open that “New Post” tab and I force myself to only write the positive highlights when in reality I’m losing myself in my feelings and I forget who I am. (I hope that doesn’t sound ridiculous.)
All of that being said, I was tired of feeling down. So a few weeks ago, I reached out to one of my oldest Plainview friends, Emily. We’ve been friends since 7th grade and she recently moved to Austin. I love that we’re still connected after all of these years. She’s a talented photographer and I asked if she would help me with a photoshoot. A photoshoot to remind me who I am. A photoshoot to capture those feelings and turn them into strong images.
I can’t express enough how much Emily helped me. She listened to my story, understood, and helped me embrace myself. I laughed the entire time we were together and every smile was genuine. She showed me the photos on her camera after the shoot, and I told her I could cry. (Happy tears this time.) I finally saw Aubree again. I felt like her again too.
I just turned 27 this past Friday, December 13th. It’s nice to know that I can look at these photos and remember that I brought in a new year with confidence and self-awareness.
Thank you, Emily. I love you and your work. 🖤 I look forward to all of the content you’re going to create.
And thank you to anyone reading this. It was scary to write but here are my feelings on text.
Thank you to SZA. I wrote this listening to the CTRL album on repeat (hence the title of this post).
And lastly, thank you to my friends and my Avila family. My Husband has held me, helped me through all of sad days, and shared some of the most uplifting conversations with me.
Here’s to 27 trips around the sun and being honest with myself and my feelings. It was refreshing to not filter my thoughts and I can honestly say this was the quickest I’ve ever finished a post. I know I’m growing stronger and wiser with each year. And I’m going to keep pushing for myself and my OWN family.
– Aubs 🖤
fashionistaubs.wordpress.com 